My Mom

The end of my freshmen year and this year's Mother's day are in very close proximity. The end of my first year of college has definitely gotten me thinking about the past and the things that God has done for me.

There are so many things that I am thankful for. The thing or rather person, that I am extremely thankful for, is my mom. Almost a year ago, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy to remove the cancerous lump in early July last year. She decided to continue on with treatment just to remove any chance of the cancer remaining in her body. She began chemotherapy treatments the day before I had to leave for WSU. She lost all her hair in the process. In October, her chemo ended and radiation treatments began. In December all treatments were finished.

This past April, my mom started to get a rash on her neck. She got several different opinions on it, from co-workers, employee health, etc. When it didn't go away in a few days, she went to her doctor and he gave her a few shots and medications, diagnosing it as a spider bite. However, although the rash decreased, my mom started to develop a fever in the middle of the night. The fever would come on around midnight and break in the late afternoon. Her doctor had instructed her to go to emergency should she ever get a fever. Her immune system was weak from the cancer treatment and they could not afford to take any chances with her. I was hope for spring break at this time so I drove my mom to emergency. There they kept her for several hours and performed many tests, only to come away with the possibility that my mom might have a kidney stone. They had no idea what was causing the fever.

My mom continued to develop a fever, however. The day after I came back to WSU from spring break, my mom went to her doctor. He sent her to emergency and sent an infection specialist to see her. He finally pin-pointed what was going on. My mom had a MRSA staph infection. Following diagnosis, my mom had to get medicine IV'ed to her twice a day. She spent two hours every morning and evening at the hospital and had to keep the IV in her wrist the rest of the time.

A few weeks ago, my mom started feeling pain and noticed swelling where her scar from surgery is. The swelling and pain soon spread. Again, some infection is behind this. I don't know if they have pinpointed exactly what but I think the swelling and pain have decreased.

I was away at college for the majority of my mom and my family's journey with this disease and the repercussions of treatment. I have tried to stay tough through out it the most that I could. I knew God was going to use this to do great things in my family, the majority of which is unsaved (Loveleen and I being the exceptions). It has been very hard. However, there has been a very evident softening of my mom. Many have remarked on just how she glows and cute she is, despite how much she may be suffering. Praise be to God for this softening!

As I think about the relationship that I have had with my mom, it hasn't been a very intimate or close one. I don't really remember ever sharing my dreams with her or asking her about her experiences in life the way a mother and daughter should. My family in general isn't very good at expressing ourselves, especially with one another.

In the last year, with the combination of me leaving and everything with Mom, many things have changed. I am much closer with my siblings and am much more appreciative of my parents. Now, my mom and I talk every night. We aren't quite at the place where we talk about deeper things but I know in talking to her that she loves me. There is a tenderness in the way she talks and tells me that she loves me.
I am so very grateful that God has preserved by my mom. I am grateful that I still have the opportunity to talk to her and someday soon, really get to know her. I am put to tears at the thought that I could have lost my mom and never would have really known her. I am determined to not waste any more of my time with her.

For my mom and her health, I am grateful. Thank you, Jesus.

So much going on!

It's been so long since I last blogged on here and there is so much in my mind that I want to write about!

It's kind of nice being back in Pullman. Just about every other time that I have come back here after a trip home I have been unhappy. After Christmas break I was positively depressed when I had to come back! But this time around I am a little delighted to be back. I don't know if it has to do with the weather here (it's absolutely gorgeous and sunny!) or because I know that in a few weeks I will be going home for the summer. Either way, I think I like things like this better. So I will have to keep that in mind the next time I tend towards being grumpy.

My poor momma is not doing too well. A couple of weeks ago she got this rash on her neck. Everyone she went to kept dismissing it and just giving her creams. Then she went to her doctor and he thought it might be a spider bite and gave her two shots and three different pills to take. That seemed to help a little but then my mom started to get a fever. She would get a fever in the middle of the night but then be okay again from like 5-9 in the evening. The second day of the fever, I took my mom to the ER at Providence. Because of her weakened immune system from the cancer treatments, her doctor had told her to go to Emergency if she ever had a fever. The doctor at the ER kept her there for several hours for different tests. He dismissed any connection between the fever and the rash. After several hours, they sent my mom home with the conclusion that she might have a kidney stone. They still had no idea what was causing the fever. So my mom came home with a few more pills and no real explanation. Two days ago the rash returned and began to spread. Then yesterday the rash covered my mom's neck, chest, and arms. She went to her doctor who sent her to the ER again but this time called a specialist to see her. The specialist discovered that my mom has a MRSA staff infection. I don't know too much about it but I guess 1 in 3 people have the dormant trait for MRSA that does not express itself until in comes in contact with the active bacteria that cause MRSA. A hospital infection MRSA is what usually causes the expression and people with weakened immune systems are especially susceptible to it. So my momma has to go to the ER twice a day to get medicine for this infection IVed to her. I know that she just feels so exhausted from being so sick. Please pray for her.

On a lighter note, I have started another blog. This blog is for my photography and it is www.lifemarkphotography.blogspot.com.

Do Not Forecast Grief

This is an excerpt from Elisabeth Elliot's book, Keep a Quiet Heart.

Sitting one still and sunny afternoon in a tiny chapel on an island in the South, I thought I heard someone enter. A young woman was weeping quietly. After a little time I asked if I could help. She confided her fears of the future--what if her husband should die? Or one of her children? What if money ran out?

All our fears represent in some form, I believe, the fear of death, common to all of us. But is it our business to pry into what may happen tomorrow? It is a difficult and painful exercise which saps the strength and uses up the time given us today. Once we give ourselves up to God, shall we attempt to get a hold of what can never belong to us--tomorrow? Our lives are His, our times in His hand, He is Lord over what will happen, never mind what may happen. When we prayed "Thy will be done," did we suppose He did not hear us? He heard indeed, and daily makes our business His and partakes of our lives. If my life is once surrendered, all is well. Let me not grab it back, as though it were in peril in His hand but would be safer in mine!

Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business. If I peer anxiously into the fog of the future, I will strain my spiritual eyes so that I will not see clearly what is required of me now.

"Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof"-- and the work thereof. The evil is not a part of the yoke Jesus asks us to take. Our work is, and He takes that yoke with us. I will overextend myself if I assume more.

God chains the dog till night; wilt loose the chain

And wake thy sorrow?

Wilt thou forestall it, and now grieve tomorrow,

And then again

Grieve over freshly all thy pain?

Either grief will not come, or if it must,

Do no forecast;

And while it cometh, it is almost past.

Away, distrust;

My God hath promis'd; He is just.

George Herbert, "The Discharge"

It is so easy to get caught up in the worries of tomorrow. We spend so much time thinking about things that could happen. Most of those things never happen. We have to remember Who holds the future. And even more than that, we already know the ultimate end. In light of that, does everything in between matter?

2009

As I reflect on this past year, I realize just what a blessing filled year it was. So much took place in the last twelve months that it is hard to take in all at once. The following are some of the things that made this past year memorable.

1. The absolutely most important thing that happened in 2009 (in my life) was my salvation. My gracious Savior and King broke my heart of stone and gave me His righteousness. He held me tight in His loving arms as I went through the whole ordeal with my parents and gave me strength to endure. He knowingly surrounded me with people who would love and encourage me. Not many people know this but I found out in that week after snow retreat that my regular doctor and volunteer supervisor were Christians--and these were people He had placed in my life ahead of time. [Also, the Lord sent me encouragement via an employee at the hospital. When I was on my lunch break while volunteering, this lady came over and asked me if I was a Christian. She had seen me pray before I started eating and reading my Bible. She told me that I shone like a light. God is so good.] He also gave me the loving family at Grace, consisting of students, staff, parents, etc. You all have a very special place in my heart--I will always think of you as family.

2. I went to England, Scotland, and Normandy! There are simply not enough words (or pictures for that matter) to sum up what those two weeks were! Not only were the locations beautiful beyond belief and the history that they were steeped in impressive but the lessons learned and the fellowship were simply amazing. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

3. I learned to golf. I wasn't very good; I experienced again and again what exactly it means to have to trust in Him in order to accomplish something. Every time I tried to golf on my own strength, it wasn't very pretty :) But He is good. Through golf I got to spend some more time with my bestie, Ariell, which is always good.

4. I graduated from Grace Academy with 17 amazing people. I could not have chosen a better group of people to graduate with. Each one of them will hold a special place in my heart. You will always be my "apne," meaning my own or my kin.

5. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was diagnosed in June while I was away at orientation. The cancer was in the early stages. The doctors ordered a lumpectomy for July 8th and then just before I left for WSU, her chemotherapy started. Her radiation treatments followed the chemo, ending just a week and a half ago. It was hard knowing that my mom was going through so much when I was so very far away. But God is in control. In my absence, so many others rallied around my family including my mom's co-workers, who raised nearly a $1000 for her and donated numerous PTO hours so that she wouldn't have to return to work until she was ready to, and the GA high school student body, who brought meals to my family when my mom was unwell and even helped with yard work. I was so encouraged to hear about all of that, especially in light of the testimony it is to my family. My mom is now doing well, though she is still just very weak and sore from it all. My prayer is that she heals quickly and realizes through Whose hand she was healed.

6. Three wonderful women poured their lives into mine: Joan Dabrowski, Renee Lugg, and Patti Frisk. I cherish the time I have spent in the company of these women and look forward to the time that I will spend with them. The wisdom that they have passed on to me and the many prayers that they have prayed on my behalf are of immeasurable worth to me. I consider each of them to be second mothers to me.

7. I moved to Pullman to go to WSU. What an experience it has been! I was completely terrible at adjusting when I first went. I was pretty much set on not liking it but after some encouragement from a cougar couple, I adjusted my perspective and now I love it! It is still different than Marysville and GA but it's supposed to be. I realize that now. I hope to be content in my situation so as to be the most useful to God and His purposes. [Also a HUGE plus to going to WSU is the wonderful friendship that has been formed between Sarah and I.]

8. Emmanuel Baptist Church became the very first church that I regularly attended. It is a wonderful church and every time that I am there I feel like I am home. The people are incredibly nice and the teaching is right on. God was so gracious to allow us to find such a good church so quickly.

God has been faithful and gracious in so many ways this past year. That is does not even begin to cover what all He has done in my life alone. I am excited to see what else He has in plan for me and all His children. Happy New Year!

Food For Thought

Here is some food for thought courtesy of Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God.
"All things are possible to him who believes; that they are less difficult to him who hopes; that they are more easy to him who loves and still more easy to him who perseveres in the practice of these three virtues."
"The greater perfection a soul aspires after, the more dependent it is upon divine grace."
Brother Lawrence "considered God as the end of all his thoughts and desires, as the mark to which they should tend, and in which they should terminate."
"I engaged in a religious life only for the love of God, and I have endeavored to act only for Him; whatever becomes of me, whether I be lost or saved, I will always continue to act purely for the love of God. I shall have this good at least, that till death I shall have done all that is in me to love Him."

Way Overdue Update

I have either gotten really bad at updating my blog or really busy or both. :) Anyway, a few weeks back, the church that Sarah and I have been attending had baptism down at a little park on the Snake River. Leading up to that date, I thought about getting baptized. I even talked to the pastor, Mark Bradley, about it. Over all, I have thought a lot about it and this is the conclusion that I have come to.
God definitely commands us to get baptized once we are saved. This act speaks of our allegiance to Christ, of our burial and resurrection with Him. I believe that baptism by immersion is the way to be baptized. Sprinkling or pouring is not what was intended (although in some situations pouring may be acceptable).
Baptism is a very special privilege. I would love to have been baptized back on that Sunday in September. I would have loved to publicly proclaim my allegiance to my Redeemer. However, I decided that I am not going to get baptized quite yet. The reason why is for the sake of my testimony and ministry with my parents. I do not want them to think that I made the decision to get baptized hastily or because someone else influenced me to (particularly anyone connected to Grace Academy). I want them to know that the decision I made back in January is one that is never going to change. It was not one that was made because I felt pressured in any way. I want them to know that I plan on sticking to my commitment to Christ. So, for the sake of my parents' salvation, I am opting to wait on baptism. I don't plan on waiting for numerous years. But I do want to wait at least another year.
I have prayed about this and have decided that this track is the best for me at this point. If you agree with me or think that I am greatly mistaken, please let me know.
As I mentioned above, I have gotten to talk to Pastor Mark. In talking to him, I learned that his wife is going through breast cancer as well. Her treatment has been more aggressive, including two masectomies. But how great is our God?! There is great potential there for a ministry to my mom and even just something to help me deal with being so far away from my mom while she is going through this.
Speaking of my mom, I just want to thank all those that have so tenderly and lovingly brought meals, chatted with my mom and have helped with any chores. I am very grateful for the kindness that is being shown to my family during this time of trial. I am sure that this showing of Christ's love through you all will impact my family for His kingdom. (For He has a great plan.) I also just want to thank the volleyball ladies ahead of time for the yard work they will be doing at my house. I'm sure it's a mess by now and will be hard work. But I know it's going to be a great blessing to my mom-she would most certainly have done it herself otherwise.
College life is going well. Sarah and I are adjusting and settling in bit by bit. Things have been tough at times but we just remind ourselves that God has brought us here for a reason and He has a plan for each of us. It is so good to be able to trust in a sovereign and loving God.

At WSU again...

Well, for those of you that didn't know, I was home for the Labor Day weekend. It was amazing coming home to my family, my home, my nice long showers. (I didn't actually come home to my bed because my sister took the one I had upstairs and I'm still allowed to sleep in the one I have downstairs because there are no curtains. So, I slept in Loveleen's bed which just wasn't quite the same.) I really enjoyed being able to see friends including the volleyball ladies, many teachers who are so very dear to my heart, and various others. It was really sweet being able to go to Grace for church on Sunday. The entire weekend was refreshing. I do wish that I could have met up with more friends, especially those that I graduated with but I'm sure that I will see them when I come for Thanksgiving. I also wish that I hadn't had so much homework to do when I was home but it's all good.
In my personal devotions, I have been going through Genesis. I have recently reached the story of Isaac's son, Jacob. I was so confused in reading this portion of Scripture as to why God chose Jacob for His blessings. I was further confused as Jacob continued to do things that were deceitful, sinful. God pored blessing after blessing on Jacob yet Jacob continued to view the Lord just as the God of his father. Later on Jacob would accept God as his own God and would serve Him wholeheartedly.
I was ruminating Jacob's story earlier and made a profound realization; I am just like Jacob. For years and years I had God's blessings over me and I refused to even recognize Him. And when I did acknowledge Him, it was not as my Lord but as the God of my teachers and schoolmates, as the God of Christians. I excelled in many areas and was blessed profoundly, far more than I ever ought to have, being the sinner that I am. I never truly gave the glory for those things to God, much less acccepted Him as my God. Yet, for reasons unknown, God had singled me out for the greatest blessing He has ever given man; the free gift of salvation. I was and am by no means deserving of this gift. I hourly fall short of the standard by which I might "earn" this salvation on my own. In fact, I was disqualified from the moment of conception and have been disqualifiying myself ever since. In spite of my shortcomings and my lifelong rebellion, Christ saved me. He wrapped me in His love and in a whirlwind of grace, took me from the road leading to destruction and placed me on the path leading to Him (and in Him, eternal bliss). It is beyond my understanding why He would be so kind to one so fallen.
In so many ways, every Christian was just like Jacob, seeking blessings without acknowledging the One from whom all blessings come. And there are still so many Jacobs out there. We do not know who they are, whether they are across the world or down the hall (or both). But we do know that the same gracious God who saved us does know. And He is faithful. I am really challenged to pray for those people around me who are not saved (and being at a secular university there are many) but for all I know could be Jacobs just ready to become Israels. Please pray that I would be faithful to share Christ both by my words and by my actions. And that I really would be faithful to pray for people, especially for the other ladies on my floor and in my building. I want to be an instrument through which God can bring them to Himself. I want them to wonder at His level at a personal level just as I am. And through all of it, I want the glory to go to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.