2009

As I reflect on this past year, I realize just what a blessing filled year it was. So much took place in the last twelve months that it is hard to take in all at once. The following are some of the things that made this past year memorable.

1. The absolutely most important thing that happened in 2009 (in my life) was my salvation. My gracious Savior and King broke my heart of stone and gave me His righteousness. He held me tight in His loving arms as I went through the whole ordeal with my parents and gave me strength to endure. He knowingly surrounded me with people who would love and encourage me. Not many people know this but I found out in that week after snow retreat that my regular doctor and volunteer supervisor were Christians--and these were people He had placed in my life ahead of time. [Also, the Lord sent me encouragement via an employee at the hospital. When I was on my lunch break while volunteering, this lady came over and asked me if I was a Christian. She had seen me pray before I started eating and reading my Bible. She told me that I shone like a light. God is so good.] He also gave me the loving family at Grace, consisting of students, staff, parents, etc. You all have a very special place in my heart--I will always think of you as family.

2. I went to England, Scotland, and Normandy! There are simply not enough words (or pictures for that matter) to sum up what those two weeks were! Not only were the locations beautiful beyond belief and the history that they were steeped in impressive but the lessons learned and the fellowship were simply amazing. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

3. I learned to golf. I wasn't very good; I experienced again and again what exactly it means to have to trust in Him in order to accomplish something. Every time I tried to golf on my own strength, it wasn't very pretty :) But He is good. Through golf I got to spend some more time with my bestie, Ariell, which is always good.

4. I graduated from Grace Academy with 17 amazing people. I could not have chosen a better group of people to graduate with. Each one of them will hold a special place in my heart. You will always be my "apne," meaning my own or my kin.

5. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was diagnosed in June while I was away at orientation. The cancer was in the early stages. The doctors ordered a lumpectomy for July 8th and then just before I left for WSU, her chemotherapy started. Her radiation treatments followed the chemo, ending just a week and a half ago. It was hard knowing that my mom was going through so much when I was so very far away. But God is in control. In my absence, so many others rallied around my family including my mom's co-workers, who raised nearly a $1000 for her and donated numerous PTO hours so that she wouldn't have to return to work until she was ready to, and the GA high school student body, who brought meals to my family when my mom was unwell and even helped with yard work. I was so encouraged to hear about all of that, especially in light of the testimony it is to my family. My mom is now doing well, though she is still just very weak and sore from it all. My prayer is that she heals quickly and realizes through Whose hand she was healed.

6. Three wonderful women poured their lives into mine: Joan Dabrowski, Renee Lugg, and Patti Frisk. I cherish the time I have spent in the company of these women and look forward to the time that I will spend with them. The wisdom that they have passed on to me and the many prayers that they have prayed on my behalf are of immeasurable worth to me. I consider each of them to be second mothers to me.

7. I moved to Pullman to go to WSU. What an experience it has been! I was completely terrible at adjusting when I first went. I was pretty much set on not liking it but after some encouragement from a cougar couple, I adjusted my perspective and now I love it! It is still different than Marysville and GA but it's supposed to be. I realize that now. I hope to be content in my situation so as to be the most useful to God and His purposes. [Also a HUGE plus to going to WSU is the wonderful friendship that has been formed between Sarah and I.]

8. Emmanuel Baptist Church became the very first church that I regularly attended. It is a wonderful church and every time that I am there I feel like I am home. The people are incredibly nice and the teaching is right on. God was so gracious to allow us to find such a good church so quickly.

God has been faithful and gracious in so many ways this past year. That is does not even begin to cover what all He has done in my life alone. I am excited to see what else He has in plan for me and all His children. Happy New Year!

Food For Thought

Here is some food for thought courtesy of Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God.
"All things are possible to him who believes; that they are less difficult to him who hopes; that they are more easy to him who loves and still more easy to him who perseveres in the practice of these three virtues."
"The greater perfection a soul aspires after, the more dependent it is upon divine grace."
Brother Lawrence "considered God as the end of all his thoughts and desires, as the mark to which they should tend, and in which they should terminate."
"I engaged in a religious life only for the love of God, and I have endeavored to act only for Him; whatever becomes of me, whether I be lost or saved, I will always continue to act purely for the love of God. I shall have this good at least, that till death I shall have done all that is in me to love Him."

Way Overdue Update

I have either gotten really bad at updating my blog or really busy or both. :) Anyway, a few weeks back, the church that Sarah and I have been attending had baptism down at a little park on the Snake River. Leading up to that date, I thought about getting baptized. I even talked to the pastor, Mark Bradley, about it. Over all, I have thought a lot about it and this is the conclusion that I have come to.
God definitely commands us to get baptized once we are saved. This act speaks of our allegiance to Christ, of our burial and resurrection with Him. I believe that baptism by immersion is the way to be baptized. Sprinkling or pouring is not what was intended (although in some situations pouring may be acceptable).
Baptism is a very special privilege. I would love to have been baptized back on that Sunday in September. I would have loved to publicly proclaim my allegiance to my Redeemer. However, I decided that I am not going to get baptized quite yet. The reason why is for the sake of my testimony and ministry with my parents. I do not want them to think that I made the decision to get baptized hastily or because someone else influenced me to (particularly anyone connected to Grace Academy). I want them to know that the decision I made back in January is one that is never going to change. It was not one that was made because I felt pressured in any way. I want them to know that I plan on sticking to my commitment to Christ. So, for the sake of my parents' salvation, I am opting to wait on baptism. I don't plan on waiting for numerous years. But I do want to wait at least another year.
I have prayed about this and have decided that this track is the best for me at this point. If you agree with me or think that I am greatly mistaken, please let me know.
As I mentioned above, I have gotten to talk to Pastor Mark. In talking to him, I learned that his wife is going through breast cancer as well. Her treatment has been more aggressive, including two masectomies. But how great is our God?! There is great potential there for a ministry to my mom and even just something to help me deal with being so far away from my mom while she is going through this.
Speaking of my mom, I just want to thank all those that have so tenderly and lovingly brought meals, chatted with my mom and have helped with any chores. I am very grateful for the kindness that is being shown to my family during this time of trial. I am sure that this showing of Christ's love through you all will impact my family for His kingdom. (For He has a great plan.) I also just want to thank the volleyball ladies ahead of time for the yard work they will be doing at my house. I'm sure it's a mess by now and will be hard work. But I know it's going to be a great blessing to my mom-she would most certainly have done it herself otherwise.
College life is going well. Sarah and I are adjusting and settling in bit by bit. Things have been tough at times but we just remind ourselves that God has brought us here for a reason and He has a plan for each of us. It is so good to be able to trust in a sovereign and loving God.

At WSU again...

Well, for those of you that didn't know, I was home for the Labor Day weekend. It was amazing coming home to my family, my home, my nice long showers. (I didn't actually come home to my bed because my sister took the one I had upstairs and I'm still allowed to sleep in the one I have downstairs because there are no curtains. So, I slept in Loveleen's bed which just wasn't quite the same.) I really enjoyed being able to see friends including the volleyball ladies, many teachers who are so very dear to my heart, and various others. It was really sweet being able to go to Grace for church on Sunday. The entire weekend was refreshing. I do wish that I could have met up with more friends, especially those that I graduated with but I'm sure that I will see them when I come for Thanksgiving. I also wish that I hadn't had so much homework to do when I was home but it's all good.
In my personal devotions, I have been going through Genesis. I have recently reached the story of Isaac's son, Jacob. I was so confused in reading this portion of Scripture as to why God chose Jacob for His blessings. I was further confused as Jacob continued to do things that were deceitful, sinful. God pored blessing after blessing on Jacob yet Jacob continued to view the Lord just as the God of his father. Later on Jacob would accept God as his own God and would serve Him wholeheartedly.
I was ruminating Jacob's story earlier and made a profound realization; I am just like Jacob. For years and years I had God's blessings over me and I refused to even recognize Him. And when I did acknowledge Him, it was not as my Lord but as the God of my teachers and schoolmates, as the God of Christians. I excelled in many areas and was blessed profoundly, far more than I ever ought to have, being the sinner that I am. I never truly gave the glory for those things to God, much less acccepted Him as my God. Yet, for reasons unknown, God had singled me out for the greatest blessing He has ever given man; the free gift of salvation. I was and am by no means deserving of this gift. I hourly fall short of the standard by which I might "earn" this salvation on my own. In fact, I was disqualified from the moment of conception and have been disqualifiying myself ever since. In spite of my shortcomings and my lifelong rebellion, Christ saved me. He wrapped me in His love and in a whirlwind of grace, took me from the road leading to destruction and placed me on the path leading to Him (and in Him, eternal bliss). It is beyond my understanding why He would be so kind to one so fallen.
In so many ways, every Christian was just like Jacob, seeking blessings without acknowledging the One from whom all blessings come. And there are still so many Jacobs out there. We do not know who they are, whether they are across the world or down the hall (or both). But we do know that the same gracious God who saved us does know. And He is faithful. I am really challenged to pray for those people around me who are not saved (and being at a secular university there are many) but for all I know could be Jacobs just ready to become Israels. Please pray that I would be faithful to share Christ both by my words and by my actions. And that I really would be faithful to pray for people, especially for the other ladies on my floor and in my building. I want to be an instrument through which God can bring them to Himself. I want them to wonder at His level at a personal level just as I am. And through all of it, I want the glory to go to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

First Few Days

Wow. What a tiring few days these last few days have been. I have been strained emotionally and even a bit physically (3 flights of stairs every time I want to go to my room!!??!!). But I think that spiritually, I have been strengthened.
I had a really hard time this past summer with prayer. I tended to push it to the edge of my “to-do list” or forget about it all together. I noticed that as I did this I was more and more susceptible to getting irritated at little things and flying into fits of anger or some other radical emotion. Even as I would do those things I would hear this voice in the back of my head saying, “You know why this is happening. You are trying to shut God out, trying to do this on your own.” I would try to silence this voice. I don’t know why but I would. And then I would have another reason to not pray; because I did not want to confront the fact that I had not prayed before. The strangest thing about the whole experience, however, was that everything I was doing, right down to the very last detail, I knew was wrong, had learned in Bible classes that they were wrong and had even learned ways to counteract, etc. I think I had even written papers, answered questions, and written applications on the subject. I am well-learned and equipped to recognize and fight this attack of sinful flesh on my soul. But I am what I am and what that is is a young lady who positionally is perfect but in the here and now, is very fallen. Even head knowledge cannot save man from his sinful nature and without God, we will easily oblige sin’s tempting pleas.
Thankfully, oh so utterly thankfully (is that grammatically correct? I SHOULD know this… wanting to be an English major and all), God does not allow us to follows sin’s requests for long. Just like the Good Father that He is, He chastises us when we go astray and disciplines us so as to keep us from erring again. Just the very fact that He cares enough about me to bring me back into His fold and strengthen me. What a gracious Father!
Throughout my first few days here at WSU, I have found great joy in prayer and time spent in His word. It is honestly the highlight of my days and I wish that it would only become more so.
I am sure that Christ has many plans for me here at WSU, many of which include pushing me and challenging me. (I have signed up for a third semester Spanish class meaning that I am going into a class where only Spanish is to be spoken. I haven’t had a Spanish class since the junior year of high school. So this will be a class that I will truly have to work HARD in so as to get a good grade.) The home situation is also going to be an aspect that will help me grow. The update on my mom right now is that she is recovering from her first chemotherapy session and meets with the chemo doctor I believe today or tomorrow to schedule the second session. She will be needing somewhere between 3-7 chemo sessions which Jessica tells me is a rather small amount. Praise the Lord! Other than that, my mom is doing well. She is able to go on walks everyday which I find to be a good sign. Thank you all for your prayers.
I will do my best to keep this blog updated but I can’t make any promises as to how often I will post. Again, thank you all for your prayers!

The first day

So yesterday was my first real day here at WSU and God is good. My parents dropped me off at my room for good at noon and then headed home. (I had stayed the previous night with them in their hotel room in Lewiston, Idaho. I can now say I have been to Idaho :D.) The good byes were not as tearful as I expected them to be although it has been harder than I expected afterwards. I can confidently save that I am going to LOVE coming home.
After my parents left I began organizing and decorating my room. It has turned out pretty well. I will post pictures soon hopefully. (I haven't posted pictures yet because I keep losing internet connection. I'm not sure I'm even supposed to have it in my room anyway.)
I took a break from decorating to go for a job interview. The position was that of a student telefundraiser at Call-A-Coug. Call-A-Coug contacts alumni to update their demographics, give them WSU news and ask for donations. This program raised $3.6 million dollars a few years back. After a group and individual interview, I was offered a position. God is very good.
I will try my best to keep things updated. Please feel free to text or email me! Thank you for all the prayers!

The day

Well today is the day. I'm practically all packed to go (there are a few odds and ends but nothing major). My dad looked at the car only this morning and was asking my mom if it was necessary for me to take everything that I was taking. (The Mercedes trunk is full to the top, absolutely no way to see out the back.)
I haven't blogged much in the last couple of weeks and just want to fill everyone in on things that have happened. First off, my parents had this 3 day prayer ceremony at the sikh temple in Marysville. What it basically is is a read-through of guru granth (their religious book) in 3 days. Anyone can "sponsor" it in order to have it's good effects come to them. If they sponsor it, then it is their job to provide all the food for anyone who may come during those three days as well as things like toilet paper, laundry detergent, etc. My parents wanted to do this in order to get blessings for my transition to college. And since my parents still do not recognize my faith, I (and Loveleen) were required to be a part of this. I want to thank everyone who prayed for us and would like to tell them that it went well.
I also have failed to keep everyone updated on my mom's status. My mom is recovering well from her lumpectomy. She still cannot move her arm above her head so the doctors decided to wait on the radiology and do the chemotherapy first (she will eventually be having both). She had her first session yesterday and has been doing remarkably well today. As far as I know, she has not thrown up which is a good sign. She wants to come with us to drop me off so please pray that she continues to be in as good of a state as she is now. In the long run, the doctors say that my mom will probably lose all her hair, which includes eyebrows and eyelashes. I think that would be particularly hard for me to see just because it would be a constant reminder of what my mom is going through so you can pray for strength there. Also concerning my mom, I am afraid that once I am at college, I will not be fully and honestly updated on how my mom is doing for the fear of stressing me out. I really do not want that to happen. I do not want to be left in the dark. I have told my mom that and hope that she will not keep me uninformed or misinformed.
On the side of good news, I have an interview for a job as a student telefundraiser at Call-A-Coug this Wednesday. I definitely need prayer that I get this job so that I can pay back my student loans on my own. I really do not want to have my parents pay it (although I know that they would if I could not).
Well, I have to go change and eat something before we we leave. The next time I blog, it will be from WSU.

College Address

311 Stevens Hall

PO Box 1700

Pullman, WA 99163

That's my address at WSU for anyone who would like that. Feel free to send me a letter anytime! I would absolutely love that!

Prayer Poem

This is a poem I wrote in British Literature. I found it while I was studying and thought it might be worth sharing. It is modeled after Thomas Gray's writing style.

Prayer

With bosoms heavy and minds gently confused,
We bring forth praises, lessons, requests
And all other thoughts on which we’ve mused
Hoping by Your hand they’d be put to rest.

The world is mighty wicked and does destruction seek
In forms we could not fathom, wrath they do heap.
Suffering marks every corner and tears stain the cheek
Into the heart and soul, despair and gloom do seep.

Yet, Lord, in greater measure we do richly find
Blessings from God, the Lord, our Father
Sometimes hidden in trials of certain kinds
But hope abides in them and it takes us farther

Nonetheless, through the world we alone cannot go,
On Your strength, grace, and mercy we do strive,
For to do without, our morale and faith run low,
But with, our testimonies come alive.

More than anything else in this time we seek
To align our hearts to the will of Thine
To know that whether dimples or tears adorn the cheek
For our own good and Your glory shine.

Hopkins

As I continued to study, I found this sentence in Hopkins' biography; "Hopkins began his time in Oxford as a keen socialite and prolific poet, but he seemed to have alarmed himself with the changes in his behaviour that resulted, and he became more studious and began recording his sins in his diary."
I'm not sure if this practice of recording your sins is a good habit or a bad one. On the one hand, recording your sins would help you to keep Christ's sacrifice and love in perspective as well as your own fallen state. At the same time though, I think that recording your sins might cause depression and a kind of hopelessness. Hmm... just thoughts...

Summa

SUMMA by Gerard Manley Hopkins

THE BEST ideal is the true
And other truth is none.
All glory be ascribèd to
The holy Three in One.

I found this poem while studying for my British Literature CLEP test this Saturday. I thought it was sweet and refreshing, especially after reading biographies of many other writers to find this poem at the top of Hopkins' Wikipedia page. Hope you enjoy it too!

Update on Mom

My mom is doing well, thanks to many kind prayers. Her lumpectomy went well. She is still sore from it and can't move her left arm above her shoulder yet. However, it no longer hurts as bad as it did last week and no more fluid has collected there either. (Last week, excess fluid had gathered in her armpit/left chest area and was causing her pain. The followup surgeon/doctor person took two syringes full of water out that area.)
She met with another doctor at the Cancer Partnership center in Everett yesterday. They have developed an outline of a gameplan for dealing with the cancer. It sounds like they want to do 7 weeks of chemotherapy first and wait to do the radiation until Mom can raise her left arm over her head. So that's everything that I know right now. I will try to keep this blog updated.

Yay for Mothers

For the past week I have insisted that I make the meals, do dishes, laundry etc. I did this in order to not only help my mom out but to also force myself to learn how to do those things better. After a few days, though, I have decided that all mothers that are able to keep their homes intact and families happy are amazing. My typical day playing "mom" includes running errands, doing countless sinkfuls of dishes (before I finish one sinkful, another is full it seems), sorting, washing, drying, and folding the laundry, as well making lunch and dinner. By the end of the day, I am absolutely exhausted. I definitely have a new appreciation for what my mom and other moms do. Their job is not easy but they do it well and they do it with a cheerful heart. So, YAY FOR MOTHERS!!!

New Camera

If you know me at all, then you know that I love digital photography. I love taking pictures, processing them and delighting people with the final results. It's my creative outlet, hobby and so much more.
Ever since I took some of my friends' senior pictures, I have been hankering for an SLR camera. At first I thought that my parents were going to get me one for graduation. They didn't (although they did get me a Coach purse :D ). Then I figured that I could buy one once I got a job. Problem with that plan was that I still do not have a job. (Recessions are horrible.) However, I ended up having just about enough money through a combination of money I had earned plus graduation money to pay for a camera (not including tax). After shopping around online, I decided that a Canon Rebel XSi 10MP was my camera. It came with two lenses, a 18-55mm and a 75-300mm. The entire package was priced at $699.99.
Now I do not have a credit card so enter parents. It took a while to convince my dad but in the end he let me order the camera. I ordered it and it was set to arrive in a week or so.
The camera arrived on the same day as my mom's surgery. (By the way, the surgery went well and my mom is fast recovering.) It came later in the day, around 7pm, and I did not pay it too much attention due to my mom's condition and my own cold. However, my heart swelled with pride every time I looked at the brown cardboard box it had arrived in sitting on the coffee table. It was my camera, and as I was subconsciously thinking, my baby.
The next day was also one full of ice packs and visitors (both Mom's) and tissues (mine) and naps (both). So again I did not acquaint myself with my new camera. I did, however, vehemently defend my decision to buy it against my cousin who loves to scheme and argue and thought that paying that much money for a camera was a waste.
So on the third day of its presence, I took out "my baby" to test it out. I took about 30-40 pictures of flora. Then I took it back inside, downloaded the pictures (after running the solutions disk) and messed around with the pictures a bit. While I was doing that and more, my little nieces and nephews arrived. So, I grabbed my new camera and put it to work taking pictures of those cuties. In the middle of taking a picture of my niece, Priya, the camera began its decline. The viewfinder kept saying busy and the LCD screen stopped working altogether. I tried charging the battery, emptying the memory card, and just "giving it a rest." In the end, the camera stopped working altogether by the next morning.
I contacted Canon through email. They gave me one thing to try to see if that would make it work. It didn't. So I requested a UPS shipping label so that I could send them my camera and they could repair it. When I told my dad that I had done that, he told me to tell them I that I actually do not want the shipping label; we were returning the camera.
So now we get to the whole point of this rant/rambling. As I was packing up my camera for its return, as I removed the lens, but on the various covers, etc., my throat choked up and I cried. Only for like 10 seconds but nonetheless I shed tears. I, who has not shed a single tear in over two months despite the fact that in these two months I have graduated, said good-bye to many dear friends and found out about my mom's cancer, cried over a camera. I'm so disgusted with my extreme affection for an inanimate object that I have not possessed for even a week. This whole situation has made me stop and think about what I value. Now I don't know if there is a direct link between valuing something and crying over it but I definitely know that somewhere my priorities are wrong.

Surgery

Well, for those of you that don't know, my mom has breast cancer. It is in the early stages. She is going into surgery to have the cancerous lump removed even as I am typing this up. Today is also her birthday. So basically, I would love it if you all could pray for my momma. Not only for her health and safety, but more importantly for her salvation. Pray that God would use this whole situation to touch her heart and turn her to Him. The same would go for my whole family. Thank you.

Greeting Card

http://www.gallerycollection.com/greeting-cards-scholarship.htm

That link is to this website that is holding a greeting card scholarship. All you have to do is submit a picture of your own creation and fill out a form and you could win $10,000 in scholarship money. So if anyways interested be sure to check it out. It takes like two minutes to apply. Here's the picture I entered.

WSU

I spent a few days on the Pullman campus a couple weeks back for my freshman orientation. I absolutely loved the campus. I spent quite a bit of time walking around campus by myself and at one point I stopped and thought to myself, "Hey, this kind of feels like home." It was very exciting and surprising to feel that sense of comfort there and I know that that was totally by God's hand. I can't wait to move in (and decorate my room) and begin experiencing all the idioscrincies of life in Pullman.
I did not, however, take to my peers as well as I did to the campus. By nature I tend to be a shy person so I wasn't exactly expecting to be making friends left and right. But this experience was a new one for me. This, I believe, was my first interaction with a large group of unbelieving youth on my own. And as I told a friend when I got back, I realized that 98% of the people I will meet at Pullman, I will probably not want to be more than acquaintances with, if that. I also realized that it would be difficult for me to connect with a lot of the people because the most important bond would be missing and that bond is the one that fellow believers share. I was a little disheartened because after all, these are the people I will be with for the next couple of years.
But God is good and gracious. He has placed around me good counsel in the form of great friends. One friend encouraged me that the lack of friends will just cause me to depend on Christ all the more. My heart leaped with joy when she brought that point to my attention. Depending on Christ, resting in Him sounds more like treasure than trial.
Another good friend reminded me that there will be good people on campus whose company will be valuable and edifying. They will be hard to find but I shouldn't give up, this dear friend advised.
A third friend (how gracious is God!) gave me another perspective, exclaiming that I will have quite the ministry opportunity.
I am so thankful to God for the wonderful friends, who most importantly are also my brothers and sisters in Christ, that He has placed around me. Their lives are great encouragements and their words full of love, for other and Christ. I am unbelievably grateful that God has arranged it so that one of these wonderful friends will be accompanying me in the adventure of the first year of college. I am also grateful for the friends that He has already chosen for me at WSU.
Pray for me, that I would becoming more and more devoted to my Lord so as to be in-tune to what His will for me is. Pray that I would not try to be indepedent in my ways but that I would indeed be dependent on Christ in everything. Pray for me and Sarah, that we would be preparing ourselves in whatever way necessary for what God has in store for us this fall. Pray that through all of this, we would become more and more like God's beloved son.

Excerpts

Mrs. Frisk graciously allowed me to borrow her copy of From the Library of C.S. Lewis: Selections from writers who influenced his spiritual journey (compiled by James Stuart Bell). This book had writings from authors such as G.K. Chesterton, George MacDonald, J.R.R. Tolkein, Dorothy L. Sayers, Marting Luther, St. Augustine and many more. The following are some excerpts from the works included in this book that I found striking, encouraging, or both.

"Choose which you will: if you love the world, you shall perish with it: if you love Christ, with Him shall you reign." Richard Rolle, Selected Works

"The Christian religion, then, teaches these truths; that there is a God whom man can know and that there is a corruption in their nature which renders them unworthy of Him...The knowledge of only one of these points gives rise to the pride of philosophers, who have known God, and not their own wretchedness, or to the despair of atheists, who kmow their own wretchedness but not the Redeemer." Thomas A Kempis, The Imitation of Christ

"Nothing makes a man so great among men, nothing makes a man so necessary to God that he can escape affliction." John Donne, Donne's Sermons (I find great encouragment in this quote)

"Prayer is a strong wall and fortress of the church; it is a godly Christian's weapon, which no man knows or finds, but only he who has the spirit of grace and prayer." Martin Luther, Table Talk

"May He do with me what He pleases: I desire only Him, and want to be wholly devoted to Him." Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God. (Wow! I want this to be the heartbeat of my own heart!)

"[On Prayer] To bring His child to His knee, God withholds that man may ask." George MacDonald, Creation in Christ. (I have loved MacDonald! He has a clear cut way of thinking that is very profound. I'm seriously considering reading his Phantastes which C.S. Lewis said "baptized my imagination.")

"It is the little love with which they love each other, the great love with which they love themselves, that hurts the heart of their father." George MacDonald, Donal Grant

"Every act of worship is a holding up to God of what God has made us." George MacDonald, Unspoken Sermons

Psalm 84:10-11

Psalm 84:10 For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand outside. I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of God than dwell in the tents of wickedness. 11 For the Lord God is a sun and a shield; The Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.

I cannot express just how comforting those words are and just how challenging they are. The Lord is so good and so amazing. His presence and favor are the most pleasure-giving things ever in existence. So good is being just in the vicinity of God that the psalmist says that one day in His courts is better, more satisfying and more gratifying than a thousand days spent anywhere else. I especially like the way the psalmist says that he would rather stand at the threshold (not even inside) of the house of God than dwell (fully inhabit) in the tents of wickedness. The smallest encounter of God's dwelling place is infinitely better than an extended encounter with an unrighteous man's abode. I really want to live keeping this picture in mind. Often I can get caught in thinking of where I want to travel to, go to medical school, or visit and just set my heart so firmly on places on this earth. I don't think that in comparison I think nearly as much about heaven. And I don't mean thinking about heaven in the terms of being the most amazing place ever because of what I may get there but in terms of how unbelievably blissful, amazing, mind-blowing, and soul-satisfying it will be to be in the presence of the Almighty God. I simply cannot imagine what it will be like to be able to gaze on my Savior. Just thinking about it makes everything of this world fade in comparison. The problem, however, is that I don't possibly think about it enough and end up letting this world entangle and capture my affections that ought to be set on Christ.
Verse 11 holds even more encouragement. I love the comparison of God to a sun and a shield. God is radiant and life-giving. He is also strong and life-preserving. Furthermore, as the verse continues, the psalmist says that the Lord gives grace and glory. There is so much packed into those words. God gives the free gift of grace, which alone shows so much of His character and love. But God also gives glory. This is a concept that seems a little more complicated and I haven't fully thought that one through. The last part of the verse is extremely comforting to know and that is that God withholds no good thing from those whom He loves. So whether it may appear to us as being a blessing or a curse, God has ordained it for our ultimate good. What an unbelievably amazing God we serve!
[Oh and kind of as a post script, random thought that I thought I'd add, sometimes when I contemplate what God has done for us and what the Bible tells us is going to happen, I feel like it is all a fairy tale, too good to be true. And then I remind myself that this isn't a fairy tale and God really does love me and wants a relationship with me. At those moments I think I feel like I have it better than any fairy tale princess.)

The End of the Story

It is so comforting to know that no matter what happens in the here and now, God wins in the end. That is the bottomline, the end of the story. There is no changing of that fact. An entire book (and more) of divine, inerrant Scripture attests to how God will win and how all His enemies will be defeated. God will come out on top and there is no getting around it. I find this very comforting to know. I can rest assured that my God will win and that no other power, worldly or spiritual, can do anything to me. In the end I will be glorified in my Lord and I will glory in Him. I will sing His praises for eternity, surrounded by my brothers and sisters in Christ who will be doing the same and enjoying every wonderful moment of it.
As I pondered this truth, I began thinking about how God wins on a smaller scale, too. He "wins" in every situation of each human being's life. Now when I say "God wins," I mean that He is glorified. And God brings about His glory in every situation. This may not be apparent at first glance. It may seem that God has abandoned the family whose head dies in Iraq. It may seem that God was helpless when an elderly lady was murdered in her home. It may seem that God was defeated in the decline of a church. But we must not forget that this story's author is God. He knows the beginning, middle, and end. He will be glorified, even if we don't see it. For all we know, the death of the soldier and the elderly lady could have brought many others to eternal life in Christ. The decline of the church could be God's way of giving birth to a new church, more true to God's Word. I find this comforting as well. It is the truth of God's inevitable victory and His sovereignty that has given me a trusting heart in the face of my mom's breast cancer. Cancer; typically the word strikes fear in the heart. But I know that my God is in control and He will win. He is going to do a mighty work through this and I rejoice in that. My God will win. Please be praying for my mom as she will have surgery next week to have the cancerous lump removed. More importantly, though, pray that God would use this cancer to save my mom,my dad, and the rest of my unbelieving family. God is good.

My Testimony

Here is my testimony as read at the 2009 Spring Banquet. More posts will be coming soon.

As most of you know, my siblings and I came to Grace 4 years ago. Our parents sent us here not because of spiritual reasons but for academic ones. They wanted to give us every opportunity to excel in schoolwork and wanted to protect us from things we might have run into at larger, public schools. They did not intend for us to be affected spiritually at all, although they did admonish us to not abandon our culture, and essentially our religion, Sikhism.
At first I was very naïve. I did not fully understand what Christianity was and I thought for sure that I could reconcile my own faith with it. However, every argument that I had for my beliefs and the beliefs of my parents was refuted. This erosion of my defense was not done in a direct manner such as one-on-one debates but through the increased knowledge of what Christianity was, especially through my interactions with Scripture. The more I learned about it, the more it made sense. Soon, I was convinced that Christianity was the only true faith, the only way to God. However, I had not forgotten my parents’ desires.
There was a time in the spring of my freshman year that I, out of fear of hell, said a prayer accepting Christ. For a week I thought that I had been saved and that I was now a child of God. For a week I worked up the courage to tell my parents. I told my dad when he picked us up from school one day. He immediately began reasoning with me, telling me that every religion is the same and that I should have never left our religion. I listened to his arguments, knowing that each argument was false. But in the end I conceded to him, not because he had been able to win me over logically but because I could not stand losing favor in the eyes of my family. At that time I thought I needed my family more than I needed Christ.
So we continued to attend Grace. I could feel my heart hardening, however. My heart was hardening towards Christ and all things spiritual and it was hardening towards my parents, who were preventing me from accepting Christ. But at school I continued to put on a show.
I thought I did rather well at pretending to be a Christian. There were people who knew about my true spiritual state, though. Their full numbers I do not know even to this day but I thank God for their faithfulness, especially in prayer. Mrs. Dabrowski was one person who I knew was aware of my spiritual deadness. She occasionally talked to me after class or when no one else was around about Christ. She entreated me again and again to accept Christ. I always told her that I could not because of my parents and she always reminded me that this matter was solely between me and God. Soon I dreaded being alone with Mrs. Dabrowski, as much as I loved her, because I did not want to be reminded that I was hell bound.
By the end of my junior year and through senior year, there were others that had figured out that I was not a believer and they were faithful to talk to me about it. It did not take long, however, for me to begin to avoid their company as well.
Snow Retreat 2009 rolled around and I was put into a tight corner. Loveleen had convinced our dad to let us go this year. I was excited at the prospect of going for the sake of spending time with my friends but I was wary of all things spiritual. In particular, I was afraid of revealing that I was not a Christian. So as the end of the semester approached, I busied myself in schoolwork, trying not to think of the 09SR.
But even as I worked to ignore the looming event, I could feel God preparing my heart for it. To a certain degree, I found my heart softening and by the Sunday before the retreat, I found myself thinking, “Okay God. If You really want me saved, then shatter my heart of stone at this retreat. If You don’t, I will take it that I am never to be one of Yours. Do what You will.” In a sense I turned everything over to God then.
The first day of Snow Retreat came as we all piled into the buses and headed over. There were first day festivities and things, as usual, and then there was the sermon. Sean Higgins was going to be preaching this year and to be honest, that was one of the reasons that I was so wary of coming. Sean is an amazing speaker who has a gift of cutting straight through to people’s hearts. He spoke that first session from Revelation 3:14-22 on how God will spit out the lukewarm. I definitely classified myself as the lukewarm so the message was particularly striking.
As usual, after the sessions were cabin times. God had wisely arranged for Mrs. Frisk to have two cabins this year, one that contained me and several senior girls and another that contained a medley of girls, including my sister. During that first cabin time we shared testimonies. I was very quiet and just listened, hoping the entire time that I would not have to speak. But then Loveleen spoke and that was when I first found out that she had accepted Christ. I sat there listening to my sister confess her love for Christ. After she was done, I went ahead and put the truth of my own spiritual state before everyone who was there. I told them that I was not a Christian and hated the fact that I could not be one because I did not have the courage to face my parents.
I silently contemplated things as cabin times continued. I can’t remember everything that went through my mind as I sat there but I remember coming to a decision. After cabin times there was a mad rush for showers and during that time, Bethany came up to the room I was in. Bethany was one of those people that had been faithfully talking to me about Christ and things spiritual. She asked me how our cabin times went and it was then that I told her. Whatever would happen at home, Christ would take care of because I had accepted and wanted Him as my Lord and Savior. I had such a sense of peace and joy for the rest of that week. I could not imagine why in the world I had tried to live without it before.
The next step for me and my sister was to tell our parents about our decision. I had felt a strong conviction to tell them especially since what I had claimed was holding me back from acccepting was them. So we talked to Mrs. Frisk about it and decided to tell them later on in the weekend. On Saturday, I talked to my brother and he said that he had accepted Christ as well. So on Sunday, when my dad got home from work, I sat both my parents down and told them. I watched their expressions go from excitement to disbelief to shock to rage. Just as I had expected, they were not happy. But this time I had the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit gave me strength to remain firm in the faith, so much so that I did not even once break down in tears before my parents.
My parents tried everything they could over the next two days to get us to reject Christ. I, in particular, was their focus. I think it was that I am their oldest child, the one that they had the most hopes for. I never felt compelled to go back on my commitment to Christ, however. In fact, it was in those first few days after we told them that I felt the greatest reassurance that I was indeed saved.
When my parents realized that I was not going to budge, they looked desperately for a reason as to why I would have changed so much in such a short amount of time. They decided that I had crashed under pressure from school. So they took me to a psychiatrist in Seattle who pronounced me to be in the early stages of bipolar disorder. My parents, to this day, believe that diagnosis.
As much as the diagnosis and my parents’ acceptance of it came as a shock to me, it was also a blessing. I could now live out my testimony before my family without being intensely persecuted. The entire experience was truly a blessing in disguise. Even as my biological family was turning against me, I was discovering my family in Christ. Especially at Grace, I received so much support and love, even from people whom I did not know very well. My heart overflowed with love for these people who were not only offering me their prayers but also their homes, if the situation ever came to that.
Looking back, I do not regret anything. Although I have had my ups and downs, I have not turned my back on my Lord and do not intend to do so. I encourage any of you who have not accepted Christ to not go another minute without doing so. Whatever your reasons may be to hold back, I assure you that a relationship with Christ will be worth it. It won’t be easy, but it will definitely be worth it.
Now as we turn to the wonderful evening that we have before us, I entreat you to look at banquet from a different light. This event is an opportunity for us as students to not only dress up and have a good time but to also serve God and one another. Go out of your way to make these next few hours the most enjoyable ones not only for yourself but for those around you. This service could be pulling out the chair for someone or even just having a good attitude. Remember that the most important part, however, is that you are seeking to glorify Christ. I also encourage you to talk to those around you about what Christ is doing in your life. Share with one another the spiritual lessons that you have been learning so that each of you may profit from the lives of your brothers and sisters in Christ.
Looking back on my own life, I feel sad that I let so many such opportunities go to waste. Don’t let this opportunity go. Make the 2009 Spring Banquet more than another Grace Academy banquet.